What Do You Believe About Divorce?

I hope you had a beautiful fall weekend.  It is finally here, it seems.  Chilly weather — Kate is already in her coat and saying she needs her gloves.  And, we received the gift of time yesterday — an hour back.  I love when daylight savings time ends.  It is almost a holiday in my book because I am such an early riser.  I love that extra hour to myself in the morning!

I have been thinking a bit over the last couple of weeks about why I am a mediator for couples going through divorce. I feel like it is something that I have been called to do all my life, as I see both sides to everything and always look at the big picture. I always question, who is this really hurting? In my own divorce, although I tried to step back and look at everything from a different perspective. I was so raw from the pain that it was really difficult to do. I also felt justified because of that pain. Over the years, I worked hard to heal myself and take responsibility for my own actions. I also let go of the anger, resentment and judgment of my co-parent’s parenting skills. I also acknowledge all of the work he must have done as well.

At the time, though, I had never seen a loving divorce. I did not have that in my memory bank such that I could pull it up as a reference. In fact, I was ashamed I was even getting divorced at all. So, of course, I had to work on that energy as well. But, initially, I just could not see how a divorce could not be painful, how my daughter could not be sad and negatively affected, how life would ever be “normal” again. I wanted a loving divorce, but I did not see it as a true possibility. I limited the experience. It was only from opening, forgiving, letting go and believing that a positive, loving co-parenting relationship was possible that it began to happen.

Your divorce process and co-parenting relationship is only fixed by your beliefs and your desire.  Tweet this


Here are four techniques to work on your limiting beliefs and get back on track :

  1. Journal, make a list, brainstorm how you would like your life to be once the divorce is final. Take the givens, include how you would like most to interact with your co-parent. How would you like your child or children to be? Where do you want to be living? A key here is to just go with it and get it all down and out of you.
  2. From that brainstorm, make a list of what you hope to resolve and how you would like the divorce to end. This is a list of your divorce goals. Stretch yourself but be a bit realistic at the same time. And, then, add a phrase about how this makes you and others feel (i.e., one might be : Our children are with me every weekday with alternating weekends and with two nights during the week for dinner with their dad, and he, the children and I find it works well for all of us.)
  3. List at least 5 negative responses or issues that could arise from every one hope, wish or goal on your list. These are some of the limiting beliefs that are holding you back. For example, your belief might be : I am going to miss out on so much of our children’s development (I am a bad mom.). or I am again the one responsible for most of the work and he gets recreation time with the kids (No one cares about me.). Whatever comes up, write it down.
  4. Now, say to yourself with your hand over your heart — Even though (negative response or belief), I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Continue to do this clearing exercise to help get you on the road to a loving divorce or post-divorce. Work on those beliefs that hold you back and watch the shifts happen. Please email me about them to candace@candacesmyth.com.

Lots of love to everyone today and through this week. Please share your insights and stories with me. Let me know how I can support you further along your journey.

With love and light,

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