The biggest step in the road to healing after divorce.

” Setting others free means setting yourself free.”  – Emmett Fox

When you hold resentment and fail to forgive your ex, you are bound to him by a cosmic link of sorts.  So, the relationship and the pain of it does not go away.  It stays as a part of your world, your life.  Holding on to blame and anger only holds you back.

You may feel in the moment that it makes you feel better to know that you are in the right, that he has hurt you.  But, the uncanny reality is that the opposite happens.  You disempower yourself and by holding on to the resentment, you tie yourself to him (the very person you are trying to get over and move on from), you carry him on your back.

Forgiveness is not simple, but it is a choice.

It is a choice that you make at the shore of your own happiness.

And, I do believe at a very deep level that it is the most important choice we make as we begin a life in divorce or post-divorce.  Forgiveness.  Acceptance of the loss.  And, a decision to move forward with our new big life.  Without it, we will forever be chained to our failed marriages, imprisoned by the captors of our hearts and minds even after physically released.

How do you forgive?  These are four ways that helped me and I hope will you too:

(1)  Use prayer, meditation, tap into your spirit.  Forgiveness honors the heart’s greatest dignity.  With forgiveness, we choose love.  We choose the higher ground.  Pray for or meditate for forgiveness from others, for help in forgiving others and in forgiving ourselves.

(2) Let go.  By letting go of the hopes, the pictures we had painted of our lives and what our lives would be … together, we release the energy those stories hold.  We quiet our mind in the reality of our circumstance.

If you let go a little
you will have a little happiness.
If you let go a lot
you will have a lot of happiness.
If you let go completely
you will be free. — Ajahn Chah

(3) Grieve.  We must see divorce as a loss, just as if a death has happened.  We must let our heart move through the natural grief process.  We must experience and move with and through the pain of our losses.  and

(4) Seek reconciliation.  We do not have to actually speak to the other or have an active relationship (but if we have kids, it is inevitable that the relationship continues).  What is important, though, is that we plant a seed of reconciliation in our hearts so that we hope only good for our ex.  We hold the intention of non-suffering for him and for harmony among us.  The simple gesture of expressing the heart’s desire for reconciliation navigates our lives toward more peace.


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With open heart.

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