How To Make A Light Shift In Your Communication

This morning, I am up in New Jersey visiting my mother-in-law who has been in the hospital now for almost two months.  She has not walked since she went into the hospital, and to say she has had a major life change is really a disservice to her.  I am in her empty house this morning thinking about all of the routines that have been a blessed part of her life all of these years.  We are not sure how much longer it will be before she is able to come home or even if she will be able to resume life in this house.  So many unknowns, but she is dealing with them with such strength.Divorce is one of those traumas not unlike aging and realizing that things are going to have to be very different moving forward.   Your life, your family’s life changes very suddenly most times.  There are those who see it coming and those who don’t.  Those who make the decision and those who feel abandoned.
A constant refrain in these times is the communication in your head about every single change or decision.  Usually when we are in high fear times like living with many unknowns, the voice in our head is very negative.  I am sure you can think up many that go through your own mind each day. Here are some that went through my head when I was in the middle of my own divorce:He never loved me.
We are going to live destitute without two incomes.
He doesn’t really care how anything makes me feel.
He doesn’t love me so could care less about working anything out.Or my worries about my mother-in-law :She is never going to walk again.
What are we going to do about when she gets out of the hospital?
We are going to have to live in New Jersey to get everything done.It is so easy to go the way of negativity and worry isn’t it?  There are probably many worse thoughts that have come to mind. What is important is not to disregard the thoughts totally.  Acknowledge they are there and coming up for you.  What is important, however, is that you turn them around whenever possible to a positive thought.  What do I mean? For example, let’s use the thought or worry that he never loved me.Thought :  He never really loved me.Now I can skillfully argue this case and present evidence for it — or I could have at that time.  I would have been very emotional about it, actually, and sure of it. But what happens when you present all of your evidence?  You stop, right?  And, that’s it.  Your mind then believes it to be so and thinks it true.  But, it is an illusion.  What happens when your mind believes this negative thought is that your body feels awful.  You feel depressed, angry, just plain down.  And, the thought is only half true anyway.  The other half true is the new thought.New thought : He always really loved me.I can find examples and evidence to back up both of these statements (and could have even back then — although more difficult, absolutely possible), but the new thought makes me feel so much better and helps me to be more loving towards him.  It saves me from attack and him from attack.This exercise may not change the situation.  You are still getting a divorce, but it changes the energy of your divorce.  It will.

Only you have the choice.  The one who sees it is the one who must act.  (Who cares if you are the one who always comes around and helps to bring a halt to the conflict.  That is okay.  Embrace your role, don’t feel resentful about it.)

I hope you have a blessed day today.

With love and light,

P.S. TODAY is the final day to register for the North Star Sessions.  You have to register here to be a part of them :
Call me if you have any questions about the program : (202) 587-2772.

P.S.S. If you are struggling to find a way through this process and you live in Washington, DC or Maryland, call me to discuss my family mediation services.  (202) 587-2772.

One comment

  • Candice, I can’t imagine facing this from inside of a hospital, how would I stop panic and fear from taking me over? It took me a long time to accept how my my otherwise healthy grandmother decided against leg amputation knowing she would not survive. I couldn’t believe I would do that rather than face life without the home I lived in for 60 years. I can understand the courage she had now. Wishing your family peace and courage.

    March 1, 2013

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