Can Tom and Katie Be Heroes?

This weekend I was reading the newspapers (we still get three a day, that’s what it is like being married to a journalist) and I could not get enough about the break up and divorce of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  I know, it’s tabloid stuff and why do I care?


I care because I looked to them and their happiness, their giddiness when I was going through my own divorce five years ago.  They were beyond the moon, they were in love.  I did not then and still don’t doubt their love.  Sure she is a lot younger and talked about how she had dreamed of marrying him since she was a little girl and all of that.  There were many reasons to think this relationship would not last.  But, at the time, when Tom Cruise lept up onto Oprah’s couch on international television to profess this love, it was a big love.


Like a castle surrounded by a deep, imprenetrable forest, an enchanted love is as forbidding as it is inviting.  The forest is full of magical dragons that assault the causal passerby.  Not just anybody gets to stroll through the castle gates, play around inside the courtyard, and get out of there alive.  It takes a prince to make his way through the forest and deal with all those dragons.  Then, even if he has the cajones to do that, he needs to find the sleeping princess and kiss her so perfectly that she actually wakes up.  That he can only do if his sword and shield are with him.  Otherwise, the dragons of love will chew him up and spit him out, and the princess will grieve that, one more time, someone tried but could not rescue her.  


That is where most us–princes and princesses alike– usually are, when we wander into the therapists’s office or support group, looking for comfort after doing some time in the battlefields of love.  Millions of us, lie naive soldiers singing songs at the beginning of a war, thinking this was going to be an easy enough time and then coming home in body bags — that is our psychic history of love.  – Marianne Williamson


Love is a hero’s journey and so is divorce.


I believe in love.  I also believe in the power of love and the importance of love in divorce.  To love someone so powerfully, deeply and then transforming all of that energy into anger, hate, spite, revenge is one of our time’s great wars.  There are so many wounded soldiers aren’t there?  Why are there not more peacemakers?  Love is a hero’s journey, and the hero’s journey is a noble but difficult path.  Be the hero of your divorce.


Perhaps because of the stigma divorce still has in our society, we adults do not feel we can step up and be the hero because society has informed us that divorce itself is not heroic.  But, that is not true.


Some divorces must happen.  Sometimes divorce must happen to further the growth of everyone in the family.  Divorce is a part of many evolutionary journeys.  What is missing are the heroes of those stories.  What is missing are the warriors, the ones who decide they will not lose this battle to the dragons (anger, revenge, fighting, violence, taking him for all he/she’s worth).  The ones who decide that they will stand for that love even as it has ended, those who will stand for separating the human forms, dividing the stuff without violently taking, attacking and wounding are the heroes.


Let’s take back divorce.  Stop the adversarial nature of divorce in your own life.  Think of the energy it is already draining from you and your kids.  Healing the wounds of divorce as you move through it will not only help you now through this process, but it will also help you move into your new future.  The law should only be there if protection is needed — it should not be the first thing you lean into.  The law is not love.  It does not understand.  The law is rational, not heart-centered.  It is blind to emotion.  How then or why then do we think the law can solve our family issue, problems, divide up everything fairly?  It can’t.  It is not its strength.


Tweet this : The law is not love.  It does not understand it.  How then can law solve our family problems?  It can’t.


4 Ways You Can Be a Hero of Your Divorce:

  1. Seek out a committed mediator, parenting coach, financial advisor and/or a collaboratively trained attorney for counseling only.
  2. Sit down together, the two of you, to talk about what should happen.  What is fair in your relationship?  What should your lives look like after divorce?  What is going to be best for your children?  How can you suture the wounds together?  If you can’t talk about these things together, hire a mediator or a couples counselor to help you talk about this ending of your love, division of property, child custody.  Seek out help together.
  3. A hero must be strong, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  That means, you must take care of yourself through this.  It should be your number one priority to make sure you are taken care of right now.  You can’t be the best mom or dad to your children when you are depleted in every way.  And, there is no way you can be strong against the triggers that arise in divorce if you are not taking care of yourself.
  4. Ask yourself constantly, this question:

Would you rather be right or free?


Remind yourself of this:  The one who sees is the one who must act consciously, in service to your greater good.

To Tom and Katie : Bless that love.  Find a way for Suri, for you both to be heroes for all of us.  You have it in you.  You do not need to look very far.  End this marriage, if that is what is to be done, with love.


I am strong.  I can do this.  I am a hero.

One More Thing

Do you want to learn more about how to be a hero in your divorce?  Join us in the North Star Sessions.  It is going to be an experience you need to be a part of.

It starts again on July 16.   
Go here for more resources on going through divorce and healing your way through it.  Please leave a comment here.  I want to hear about what you think and how you have taken action this week.  Let’s talk on the Facebook page or send me an email at
The divine light in me honors the divine light in you,

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