This is Your Life.

I was having lunch with a family law attorney the other day and one of the interesting topics that came up was how clients so often just want their attorney to take care of the divorce, how clients don’t want to be involved.  I have also spoken with some of my own clients and many discuss the divorce process as if it is beyond their own control. They feel the process takes off without them and has a life of its own.

I remember in my own mediation feeling like the process, the divorce, was so outside of myself that it hurt.  Yes, I was angry and I was avoiding things and emotions like you wouldn’t believe.  I remember feeling like I just wanted the paperwork done and didn’t want to have to go back in that room again.  I remember being exhausted in every way possible.  But, it did come to an end.  And, then that part was over and we had to adjust to an agreement that became a part of our daily lives.  The truth is though, I wasn’t thinking very clearly.  And, I didn’t really take the time I needed to get grounded on what was best for me and our daughter all the way through.  It felt like fingernails on a chalkboard any time I picked up that draft.  I just didn’t want to look at it.

All of this leads me to what I wanted to share this morning.

You are not alone.  And, divorce is not just a legal process that you get through or that someone can take care of for you.  If you want to heal and to thrive after the end of a marriage, and you want an agreeement that makes the most sense for moving forward, you must remain an active and present human being.  Stay grounded using whichever tools you use.  Keep an eye towards the future and how you want your life to be.  You must feel the anger and the pain and work with it.  You must not let the divorce take off on its own.

divorce takes you somewhere new

No, it’s not easy.  It’s damn hard.  It’s not fair.  I know.  It’s all of those things.  But, this is your life.  And, you have been placed ever so gently on this Earth to go through this right now.  You are here to learn so much in such a short time.  Take it in.  Learn the lessons you have been brought here to learn.  No matter how difficult, try right now to think of divorce as a sacred process.  It is one of life’s most difficult transitions, maybe second to death or a disappearing.  There is a coming together always, and always a coming apart.

One of the most important things you walk away with is an agreement that works for you so that you can move forward into your best life.  Amen.

Journal Prompt 

Take 5-10 minutes and write about how you have avoided some communication or resisted knowing all you might have needed to know during this process.  How are you handling and how do you feel about all of the relationships involved in the divorce process?  Your relationship to your spouse, your relationship to your children, to your attorney, financial advisor, therapist, spouse’s attorney, mediator, judge?  How do each of them make you feel?

Take action now.

1.  No matter how much you are resisting knowing, make sure you have all of the information you need to divorce right now.  Hire a financial advisor, get a divorce coach, fire your attorney and get a new one if you don’t feel right about the relationship.

2.  Take a hard look at all of the paperwork you have, line by line.  Try each line on to see how it fits.  If there is something that is really bothering you, deal with it now.  If you don’t now, you will most likely revisit it in the future in a much bigger and more difficult way.

One More Thing.

If there’s anything I can do on my end to help you, in any capacity, please let me know.

Go here for more resources on going through divorce and healing your way through it.  Please leave a comment below.  I want to hear about what you think and how you have taken action this week.  Let’s talk on the Facebook page or send me an email : candace at candacesmyth dot com.

The divine light in me honors the divine light in you,

P.S. If you live in the Washington, DC area, here is the information on my new office for mediation clients in Maryland, Washington, DC, and Virginia : 1425 K St. NW, Washington, DC 20005.  My telephone number is (202) 587-2772.

P.S.S. North Star Sessions is beginning again on June 8, 2012.  I am adding some new content on financial planning and division, plus weekly calls with experts on divorce, communication, relationships, kids and divorce etc.  Get on the list to find out how you can become a part.  Here’s the link to get on the list for a free workshop and to be the first to hear about the special discounted sign up period :

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