Is Divorce the Right Decision for You?


The true theme this week has been something I too once struggled with.  How do you know that divorce is right for you?  Since I launched the site last week, all of my interactions with clients have dealt with some variation of this question.  So, I am giving you a little here about what I know to be true.

The Five A’s :

In David Richo’s, How To Be An Adult in Relationships, he describes in detail the “Five A’s” that are necessary for any relationship to survive.  Briefly, they are:

Attention – Mutual focusing on each other with respect, not contempt.  ”When you are given attention, your intuitions are treated as if they matter.  You are taken seriously.  You are given credit when it is due.”  You do not harbor secret anger but open the communication lines between you with mutual respect and not contempt.   Your partner hears and notices you.

Acceptance – Unconditional validation of someone’s choices.  Approval.  ”In acceptance, you are embraced as worthy, not compared . . . but trusted, empowered, understood, and fully approved of as you are in your uniqueness.”  Your partner embraces you for you.

Appreciation – To affirm continually.  To show the depth of your acceptance of someone.  Gratitude for your partner.  Your partner delights in you, acknowledges you and all your potential.

Affection – A loving touch, hug, or look.  Reassurance of love through physical action of some kind.  Being lovingly present.  Your partner is committed to being beside you often and compassionate in response to your pain.

Allowing – The freedom to pursue our own deepest needs as an individual in the relationship.

Your partner makes you feel safe to be yourself.

Interestingly, what happens when we are not happy in our marriage is that five other emotions come into play : fear, desire, judgment, control and illusion.   In a relationship, we are not able to give the five A’s if we are stuck in these emotions.  When we come to our partner with the five A’s, we get closer to them and better understand the reality of the relationship.  When we come at our partner instead with the 5 other emotions, we are distanced further from them.

 

To further explore these emotions and how to escape from their hold on you, I definitely recommend getting Dr. Richo’s book, go here (it is in my carousel) to purchase it from Amazon.

I include all of this for one reason.  I think one of the important questions we must ask ourselves when we are facing the divorce decision is Have I done all I can do here? This is why it is the first question below.

The Five Questions:

Ask yourself these five questions.  Take three minutes to freely journal to yourself about each one.   

(1) Do you believe you have the right to happiness, and have you done all you could do in this relationship?  Go internal for this one.  Really go deep and think about how you feel about yourself, and then ask yourself if you have really tried to move towards

your partner using the five A’s.

(2) Do you and your partner show one another love, respect and support by giving and receiving attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing?

(3) Do you feel safe in your partner’s company?

(4) Has your partner said yes to counseling or does he/she participate in ongoing counseling, and are you able to discuss with your partner making changes together to work on the relationship?

(5) Does your inner trio – heart, head, gut  - say yes to continuing the relationship?

After answering and journaling about these three questions, you should already have a gut feeling about what is right for you.  If you answered no to most of these questions — 3 out of 5, then you know that you need to start making plans that are right for you and the rest of your life.

Letting Go:  Pigeon Pose

Because of all of the emotions we tend to store up and hold onto in our hips, the pigeon has been the most healing yoga pose for me. It is the act of being present with all that you are holding onto and then deliberately (without forcing) letting it go.  In fact, it was a hip opener workshop I did at my yoga studio with Kimberly Wilson almost five years ago that helped me to finally let go and wish happiness for my former partner.  Kimberly who is so intuitively wonderful in her yoga classes combined yoga with journaling and lavender aromatherapy that day.  I wrote on a piece of paper in front of me – “I release you and wish you happiness.”

Salamba Kapotasana

1.  Begin in a downward facing dog position.  Pedal your feet, really breathe here and relax into the pose.  Do some warming up of the legs and hips before entering into pigeon.

2.  Lift your right leg up bend you, downward dog split.  And, then gently place your knee between your hands, the right ankle is near the left wrist, and you are perched on your outer right buttock and hip.

3.  Square your hips and shoulders.

4.  Stretch your left leg back, knee and top of the foot on the mat.

5.  Puff up like a pigeon, open your heart, do a slight back bend and fold yourself forward coming onto your elbows.  You can fall even further forward resting your third eye on the mat and arms out-stretched.  Hold for 15 breaths.  Really breath in all that serves you, your power, your truth that you are an amazing goddess.  Breathe out all that does not serve you and with it just let everything go.  Make sure that with your out breath, you are releasing all of the tension in your body (your shoulders, your facial muscles, your jaw).  Just let it all go.

6.  Repeat on the left side.

Two Affirmations for the Week Ahead:

I deserve and accept the best now.

I let go of all that does not serve my highest good.

 

I hope all of this is helpful in some way as you continue on your own journey.  Please let me know how you are doing and what all of this brought up for you.

If you would like to work with me one-on-one, please go here and click the button for the payment plan that works best for you.  Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Namaste,

Candace

 

 

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