How Mediation Helps You File for Divorce on Your Own + Heal.


Good morning!  Ahhhh, Spring!  We have so many different birds out and about now.  There is one that has the most beautiful song — three notes — dum, dum dummmmmm.  I have to find out what kind of bird this is — its tune is so beautiful and different.  This weekend, I also got into my flower bed out front and did some excavating of my poor tulips so that they can peak above the surface.  I am ashamed to say that I have been neglectful with them this past year, so taking care of them made me really happy.  Here are the beautiful colors out my front door.  Please share your’s with me!

 

Divorce can be as easy or difficult as you want to make it.  I often feel like we self-sabotage the process — I know I did — by assuming that the process is going to be terrible, that our soon-to-be former spouse is going to be a nightmare. In fact, there are so many conversations that I have experienced among women where it is expected to be supportive of others as they rant about how terrible their ex is — how vile and evil.  No doubt there are some ex spouses that just don’t know how to behave, but we are being just as negative in our behavior when we tear them down with our words.  Worse.  As we tear our ex down — so too do we tear down that other half of our children.  No matter how difficult it is at times to take in, our children are not just of ourselves, they are of two people.  And, as we tear down our ex, we tear down them and ourselves.  We are truly all one.

“Fear-based ego is nothing more than the belief that we are separate beings, . . .  Only love is real.  And when we’are not thinking with love, since only love is real, then we’re actually not thinking at all.”  – Marianne Williamson

Today, I thought I would talk a little about how mediation can really help you file for divorce pro se, self-file, file for divorce with the assistance of attorneys.

Here’s the usual way things go down :

A husband and wife may try to work things out on their own.  Things come to a stand still or worse — things get ugly.  Each of them goes out and throws down thousands of dollars in retainers to hire attorneys.  They spend months each paying for their individual attorneys who are trained to fight for the respective client’s rights and interests.  (Note:  the children don’t usually have attorneys fighting for what is best for them.)  At the end of it all, maybe the attorneys will help the couple negotiate a settlement so that they do not find themselves in litigation, but usually the couple is truly bitter at one another in the end even if they are able to settle it out of court.

The problem with the family legal system is that it views everyone as very separate with independent right and interests.  It automatically pits two people who once loved one another (and really still do on some level) against each other.

What if, however, when a couple decides settling the issues is not possible on their own, they go straight to a mediator?

In mediation, it is most often about the whole picture and working out the details as amicably as possible.  Mediation is about listening to one another respectfully even when it is difficult to hear.  It is about working out the anger and fears by looking behind them to the triggers there.  With the help of a mediator,  a couple can actually come to an agreement on their own and file the divorce paperwork with the court themselves — saving time, worry, and money.  Each party may (and is encouraged to) have an attorney review the final settlement document, but comes to a self-made agreement, hopefully and commonly more stable emotionally and financially at the end of it.

Consider these statistics taken from a study by Dr. David Emery.  Dr. Emery’s studies at the University of Virginia’s Center for Children, Families and the Law used random assignment to ensure that both divorce mediation and litigation groups included the full spectrum of couples — determined by their ways of relating to one another. Divorce or custody dispute couples evaluated as “cooperative” “distant” and “angry” were randomly distributed to both groups.

Dr. Emery’s results found that twelve (12) years later after an average of only five (5) hours of mediation at the time of the parties’ divorce 

  • 28 percent of the nonresidential parents who mediated saw their children at least once a week, in comparison with 9 percent of parents who were assigned by the study to resolve their divorce or custody dispute by litigation.
  • 36 percent of nonresidential parents who litigated had not seen their children in the last year, in comparison with 16 percent of divorcing parents who were assigned to mediation.
  • Among divorce families who mediated, fully 59 percent of nonresidential parents talked to their children weekly or more often, compared with just 14 percent of nonresidential parents who litigated.
  • Finally, in comparison with families who went to court, the residential parent of divorcing couples who mediated, consistently reported that the nonresidential parent discussed problems with them more and participated more in the children’s discipline, grooming, religious training, errands, special events, school and church functions, recreational activities, holidays and vacations.
See more of the details from Dr. Emery’s study here.  

If you are having difficulty in your process, why not contact a mediator and just see if she or he thinks it might be helpful right now?  Call a few — see what they say.  Every mediator has his or her own style.  Make sure you find the right fit because it is an important relationship, much like a couples counselor in my view.  The more information you have, the better you are going to feel.

Going through any divorce process is difficult work and most find they do not take care of themselves through the process.  This week’s interview is about giving you simple ways to stay as physically healthy as possible through difficult times.

Linda Tabach :: Easy Care of Your Body Through Divorce.

 

 

Linda Taback is a holistic health coach, blogger, writer, running coach, half marathoner, mom of two grown children.  Linda received her health coaching certification fro the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and works mainly with women going through midlife transitions.  Linda has been featured in the Huffington Post and the book Health Tipping Point.  You can find her and more information about nutrition, healing, and running at http://lindatabach.com.

 

 

Click here to listen to the recording.   With love and light,

 

P.S.      If you are struggling to find a way through this process, call me to discuss my family mediation services.  I also provide skype mediation sessions for those outside of the DC metro area.  (202) 587-2772.

P.S.S.  If you are looking for a coach to help you divorce different and do it less expensively (much less!) and with a huge reduction in conflict, contact me by replying to this email now or call me (202) 587-2772.

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