What you do now affects the rest.

We are all blessed with the ability to make a decision in present time.

I met with two women over the last couple of weeks who had a similar story.  They talked about how their divorce had gone relatively well.  They had children who are now thriving and close with both co-parents.  Then, they told me that their husband (second husband) and his children, however, had a very different story.  Both new husbands were still in litigation with their former spouses and co-parents.  Their children were in high school and college and both had been in litigation since the divorce when the children were much younger.  As you can imagine, they told me those children are not doing as well.

Then, another story.  A guy told me that he had recently married his wife and they are very much in love, but her former spouse will not let her move on.  And, he predicts a similar story as the ones above just beginning for him.

What I realized from listening to them is how important our decisions in the present moment are to our future.  Do you see that too?  It is easy to say, “well, if one wants to be litigious and not let go there is nothing you can do.”  But, I know you have heard me say before that it only takes one to make a change.  There are always two in conflict.

When one finds herself in conflict in divorce and possibly litigation, it is so important to have help to see through what  is truly going on.  What are the triggers? Why is she fighting so hard, why is he?  Most likely in these situations, there is a wound very deep.  If you and your ex and co-parent could have a mediated or therapeutic conversation about that wound today, it would not be able to fester into the future and affect the rest of your life and your children.

Here are some tips on how to take care of things now so you are not in litigation in 10 years.

  1. Take responsibility and shine a light on your part in the conflict.
  2. Even if you disagree with the main point, find common ground.  Try to agree with something your ex is putting out there.
  3. When you are having a conversation about something, keep on topic.  Don’t let yourself stray into old issues and hurts.  Stay on topic.
  4. Work on forgiving your spouse for the hurts you do have.  Know this takes time, but it starts with the desire to let go and forgive.
  5. Think about your kids first — before money, before your hurts and resentments.  Know that children need both parents in their lives whenever possible.
  6. Respect the other parent’s house and parenting.  They may do it in a way you do not approve of, but if you can let that go, your child will be happier and your co-parenting relationship will thrive.

Is there something that has helped you in your co-parenting relationship?

Number 6 was HUGE for me.  Once I stopped judging that Kate stayed up late to watch movies at Dad’s (and I really struggled with the judgment and worry about “routine” and whether she was getting enough sleep here), I saw the value in that, I respected him more as a Dad and for what he could give her that I would not.  Now, she loves and knows so much about film — black and white movies, etc.  She is an amazing writer and visionary.  She is making cartoons and animation videos.  I am not sure she would be doing all of that had she not had those late night experiences on the weekend with her Dad.  I credit him for instilling in her love of film.    She may have lost a couple of hours of sleep at 4, but she doesn’t remember that today at 8.  She has memories of her and her Dad and quality time.

Just let go of some things.  Watch how it changes response.

I know there are some things you can’t let go of but can you just change the way you respond to them?

Remember,

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  Viktor Frankl  

This week’s interview is with Natanya Lara.  Natanya and I met talking about the joys and challenges of co-parenting.   It is such a dance and one you learn as you move through each day.  I hope you enjoy this conversation on parenting as much as I did.

 

As an intentional parenting coach, Natanya works with parents who are struggling with parenting and are challenged and triggered by their children’s behavior.  With authenticity and compassion, she guides her clients in creating a parenting practice that is based in their values, which provides the foundation for confident, empathic parenting. Natanya has been a stay-at-home mom, full-time working mom, entrepreneur mom, married mom, and solo mom,  She has two boisterous boys, ages 5 and 7, who keep her on her toes and practicing her own work daily.  Visit her at www.natanyalara.com, to receive your free audio class, The Key to Intentional Parenting.  And, don’t miss her parenting summer camp!

http://natanyalara.com/parenting-summer-camp/

 

Here’s the link to the interview.

 

We are blessed with the ability to make a decision in the present time.

Lots of love to you,

 

 

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